Doh-Ray-ME ME ME ME ME

Geezus tap-dancing Buddha how many places must I submit my resumé to before I get paid to do this? Maybe I just suck as a writer, perhaps I’m a failure at the art of wordsmithery? I don’t know, but since it’s not limited to writing jobs, & I am legally & medically badged to sell cannabis, I’m throwing out applications back into the industry. STILL not getting hired, & I am a decent grower, with a lot of experience, surely with ENOUGH experience to hop on in there & get sticky. No calls though. Doesn’t matter, who cares? I’m over-embracing this “who cares” vibe perhaps? Also, I don’t really want to go back to that industry to be honest. It’s a go-nowhere job, & ONLY the owners of the grows and/or dispos make real loot. Once you get to the top of the mountain, whether it be the head budtender or the head grower, you’re doing about as well financially as a manager at McDonalds is. Yep, not as glamorous as many people assume it might be. “But you get to smoke weed all day bro,” yeah so what ya dunce? You can do that anywhere if you want to, duh. I’m too old for it these days too, as it’s all mostly millennial, & I’m now the “old guy,” gah, these are NOT options I want to deal with anymore. Fuckin hell, THIS is what I want to do, THIS, writing articles, illustrated with MY own GIF animations, all ME, ME ME ME, how bout them apples? Why can’t one pursue their only plausible talent, rather than settling & selling your soul to be a paycheck-scrapper? Is that…narcissistic of me? Be sure to read to the end, there might be a bonus at the winner’s circle…

This is about ME, right?…because I’m a narcissist maybe? Ugh, I don’t know, I know I try NOT to be one, but from one’s own view, it IS your Universe, is it not? Isn’t everyone “self-centered?”…as in you “center your self,” because you ARE the center of YOUR Universe, see what I mean? Is it the language I’m not getting? It seems to be right, right? Self…centered…YOU, yourself, is the center of everything, because you ARE the center of everything, from YOUR perspective, correct? What am I missing here? Let’s look up the textbook definition of narcissism together shall we? Or you can just click the word back there, or you can be extra-lazy & just look below. Fuck it, time to really open up the frequency & see what comes through this channel; we’re going deep diving, into the murky depths, where the abyss lurks, only to look back at you…

The reason I’m attempting to illustrate these notions, is because it seems like people are throwing this particular word, & other similar words around…”as needed,” so to speak, as if they’re aggressive buzz-words, for use as ammo in verbal warfare, “oh I’m gonna outsmart you, then no I’m gonna outsmart you, look at my words I’m hurling at you, in cleverly ordered manner to throw off your counter-attack,” does this make sense to any of you? Another one is “gaslighting,” voted the “number one word of 2022,” I think. Derp, & it’s not that I dislike these words, it’s just as an evolving disciple of the English language, it’s almost downright revolting the way said language is now used these days. It’s like a shoot-off of the overall Orwellian cultural metamorphosis we’re all existing through right now. Just another fractal, as the macroorganism Planck-lengths its way to some new zeitgeist, & where will this language & these behaviors & these mass psychoses take us, what sort of future awaits in this mental asylum world?

Hmmm, “does NOT support that notion,” it says? Weird, because everyone calls everyone a narcissist. Try & stick up for yourself…”NARCISSIST!” …, I guess even when using one’s own self as a reference point, you get that now-infamous N-word. No, THE “N-word,” not nigger, no, not that even-more-infamous “N-word,” I’m talking about the word, “narcissism.” ME ME ME ME ME, now up above there, that was just the textbook definition, which really doesn’t count for much, other than what it implies, “defining a word,” but it doesn’t explain the word, so let’s look at a more in-depth description of this mental affliction.

Click the Link to read more about…>>> Narcissism Symptoms & Causes ..let’s go though these, becasue this is all about ME, ME ME ME ME ME right now, right? See what I’m doing? Either narcissistic or a douchebag, but most likely both. Duh. Without comedy, even if it’s B-list lame-ass jokes, it’s better than tragedy, yes? Let’s go through this list below:

Interesting, tough one too. Admiration, well no one really reads these and/or knows and/or cares if I exist, so there’s no one to really “admire” any of this crap, & obviously that notion alone implies a lack of any inclinations of “self-importance” I might have. I know I am a talentless fraud wasted TV baby from the asshole end of Generation X. All m friends are dead, & I don’t even know why I’m here, but I am aware of a part of me that WANTS number one to be meaningful, but it isn’t, nothing is.
Again, I’m guilty of being aware of having the kinds of inclinations, so what do you do when your self-aware of narcissistic tendencies, & actively try to fix them, but you fail yourself, over & over, & no one cares? That’s my fault though, I deserve NOTHING, only I wish I could be treated kindly because I try to be that way toward others. Isn’t that the rule, treat others as you want to be treated? Do I treat people poorly? I don’t know, I know I don’t want to, who would want that? I hope I don’t, but I don’t know. I have, for sure, & I cannot do anything to change it. I don’t know. I’m white, so I don’t know much anymore, & concepts of “privilege” & special treatment” are kind of blurry these days.
Numero tres, yes, I suppose I’m guilty of these thoughts, but where do thoughts come from? I don’t know, I told you I don’t know anything, I’m a fucking proverbial used-car salesman, the charlatan, isn’t that what they call bullshit narcissists? Charlatans? This is crap, my digital art is crap, if it was any good, people would visit my sites, but no one does, because I’m not any good, nor have I done anything worth a fuck in my whole sordid life. I’m only doing this, because THIS, is all I know how to do, so again, YES, I have thoughts that I have done amazingly unique art, & I’m a talented digital artist, & the best writer ever, & blah blah blah, all just delusional monkey-mind gibberish. Truth is, I only came back to this because I realized I sucked at everything else, & had nothing else, unless I want to go deliver pizzas like a fucking kid, the same punk kid I was 30 years ago. Pathetic.
Yep, guilty, & guilty again, & I kind of covered this in answer number three, so what else could I add here? It’s bizarre, because I’m well-aware no one is there, but I make my little shoutout vids & similarly stupid shit anyway. I KNOW NO ONE CARES, I know my “achievements” are nil, & if I have any “talent,” this drivel is it. It’s as big as this answer to question number four. Not to mention I’ve been digitally exiled from the virtual town square for trying to participate with everyone else. I guess I don’t do well in filtered settings, so it’s been just me, with literally no one, & Im not cognizant enough anymore of anything to care about likes & shares. None of it matters.
Yep, all the above, in a world onto myself, like a humid cave full of fresh bat guano, rife with the stench of shit. “Success,” derp, yeah right, successfully ruining everyone’s lives around me as well as my own, but I believe I should have the riches, as if that makes sense. Got it you fuckin idiot. “Power,” well you need strength of character to hold power, doesn’t matter if you’re “good” or “bad,” if you have strength of character, you can hold real power, not the pretend pseudo-power that only exists in my own self-delusions. “Brilliance,” hmmm, I don’t even know, does that mean you figuratively “shine?” …like someone who “lights up a room,” as they say? Or is it referring to intelligence?…as in, “I know I’m smarter than everyone else,” well, of course I am you moronic automatons. You’re all fucking idiots. I don’t really believe that, but part of my mind has notions like that, all the time, & I can’t explain how they got there, so what am I to do? “Beauty,” well I am certainly aware of vanity, & it sucks I can’t appreciate beauty without vanity. I don’t know why, I don’t know why any of this is the way it is. ME ME ME ME ME, yeah I fucking know, I’m the one stuck in this meat suit. Finally, the last one, the futile quest for the “perfect mate.” I actually might have beat this one, albeit the long, hard way. You have better luck finding a magic toad in a pot of gold being carried by a Bigfoot riding a Unicorn that farts glitter, than finding the “perfect mate.” Yes, I DID have that idealization, for a long time, & that one I already beat, because it beat me.
Yep, & yep, & because of this, I’ve somewhat subconsciously self-isolated away from everyone & everything, minus my alleged “equals” that only exist in other places not in my own locality…i.e. digital “friends.” They aren’t really my friends, I don’t have any real friends, I don’t know how to have friends, keep friends, I know how to make friends, but that never lasts, not even my virtual pseudo-friends on the Interwebs.
Yep, exceptionally critical, to the point that I hate them, you dumb fucking dummy dumdums down the drain diving in dumpsters. Fuck you all, you fuckin losers. Again, NOT me, but those thoughts come through, whatever this channel is I tune into, THIS is what comes through. It’s incredibly exhausting keeping up with the filtration system. It’s thoughts, MY thoughts, but “mine” only as far as they come through me, but I don’t know where thoughts arise from. Am I “generating” them myself, birthing these ideas into the world? I don’t know. Stop blaming me for things I don’t know and/or can’t control. Does “narcissism” sound fun, like something you would want?
Let’s see here, “special favors,” for me, what special favors can you do for me? I don’t know, gah, my head hurts, this is difficult doing this, sorry, sorry sorry sorry, shouldn’t say that out loud, pronouncing my own head pains from the stress of writing about these things, to all of my ghostly non-existent readers. Oh wait, that’s right, no one reads this, so no one cares, so no worries, so so what, right? So, let’s move on. Not expecting anything or doing anything for anything & everything anymore & no more. Why? What’s the point? Of anything for me anymore? Broken clocks are right twice a day, broken people can’t be fixed, & aren’t ever “right.”
Oh man, so guilty, all at THEIR expense for MY own gain. ME ME ME ME ME. Always about ME, well, me & my disease. They’ll say you have a disease, then blame you, then you say, “but you said I am sick, how’s it my fault?,” & they say, “it’s your fault, but if you pay us a bunch of money, we’ll help you with your disease.” Then you say, “I have no money, & no one to help me properly,” & they say, “go to the food banks, bye.” There sure is a lot of “taking advantages” going around, but I get the specificity of the implication here in trait number nine of the terribly terrifying “N-word.”
This one is…confusing, because I do, I try, I try so hard, but maybe I can’t feel anything, maybe it’s form my history of bad head injuries, I don’t know. I get so distracted, I try to think about it from their shoes, then I think about shoes in general, my brain doesn’t seem to have a well-functioning empathy drive then I guess, right? I’m willing, I have the will to be willing, but no one notices it, like I’m a ghost.
Hahahahahaha..oh man, well I know damn well NO ONE envies me for anything that I’m aware of, so scratch the 2nd half of that game, & I don’t care about thees enough to be “jealous,” & I wouldn’t call that little green monster on my should “envy,” I’d call it…”disappointment,” disappointed that some people get certain things that make no sense to me, like someone like Cardi B…absolutely impossible for em to be envious of that twat, but it disappoints me that life “rewards” that stripper with so much. Would I ever trade places with her though?…FUCK NO, are YOU insane? & I’d wager she feels the same, but she’s allowed to be as narcissistic as she can be, & it’s okay, see the logic there? You do? That’s weird, because there is no logic there, it just is what it is I suppose.
Oh yes, yes, & yes, arrogance, I bathe in it, using shampoo on my bowling-ball-blad head just to rub it in deeper too. Bragadociousness & conceit, sure, why not? Comes right alongside “arrogance,” doesn’t it?…like a little gang, arrogance, braggings, & a grossly conceited attitude, patrolling the hood, right? What can one say, when they know they’ve acted in such a way? Once again, quite aware & conscious of it too, but the auto-pilot keeps flying the plane anyway, on the same course. I can;t change course if I’m not the one always flying the plane, can I? I donlt even have a pilot’s license though, so I guess I’m really fucked up in the air, aren’t I?
Finally, last one, at least it’s my 2nd lucky number, 13. 22 & 13, never win me shit, but still they’re “lucky” in my head. What a fucking loser, Jesus Christ, help this guy out already or something, would ya? Someone, something up there, anything celestial & ethereally Divine, give this fuck-off a helping hand so he has harmony instead of hell. Who doesn’t want the “best of everything,” too bad I got nothing, unless I boost it, & booster seats are for squirts. That’s it for that impromptu narcissist checklist, did I win?

Well, that was totally random & unexpected. The only freedom I feel anymore, is in this space, my writing space. only thing that’s really “mine,” isn’t it? I’m over the buzzword labelings, the mental disorder diagnoses, if this is “life,” & this is what I fucked-off & made of it, why continue? Why? No one there, no one to care, everyone eat my underwear. Yes, I can write silly nonsense, BECAUSE NO ONE WILL EVER READ THIS, unless I send them an individually respective link, nope, this is just like pissing in the wind for me, all my own stinky poisoned pee spraying right back in my face, & up my nose, & on my tongue, this tongue that has driveled on long enough via this Ouroborian channel I’m plugged into & these robot arms that type type type away until I find this silly circularity I always bullshit about..”.beginning finds the end to find the start all over again,” gabba dabba doo wah ditty doo doo, who gives a fuck about a “mysterious circularity phenomenon” when I write, I just reiterate the beginning of the article at the end, like every other generically corny writer to ever crayon-scribble down their own literary puke. Who cares? So I’m done with that, maybe done with this, maybe done with myself doing this, because none of it matters, does it? Except to ME ME ME ME ME, right? Projecting out, as if on queue, until next time dear reader. So sayeth FisH™🎣